I have listened to that song who knows how many times and finally that tiny little phrase, out of the millions of songs I know, came to my mind and now means something to me. The answers. THE answer. Who's got it and when do I get it? Do I even believe there is an answer? Do I care what it is? I normally don't think about the future. I care nothing for the adult world. Whilst growing up, I never pictured my life past 18. I actually, really, truly thought I would be dead by then. So I've looked at my life past 18 as a kind of bonus time. But obviously I was incorrect so my question is, "What's the purpose?" Or in other words, "What am I suppose to do with all this extra life?"
In church today, the speaker talked about surrendering. Now, quickly go through all the sermons you've heard on surrendering. That's exactly what I thought when she first started speaking. Yes, I know I must sacrifice and surrender my life and take up my cross and die to self and all that. However, I never even paused to think about what surrendering really is. It's what I was created for. Confused? Me too . . . let me look at my notes, maybe that will help. They read:
- Self sacrifice and surrendering leads to self discovery because it's who I am created to be.
- I will never know who I am created to be without surrendering to God because only He, who knows me better than I know myself, can put me where I need to be.
- If I try to do it on my own, I will fail because it's my way and I don't have that kind of strength or mind.
- My destiny depends on my surrendering.
- The answers I'm looking for may never come.
- Don't seek the answers, seek God for there the answers are hidden.
- What's asked of me? Not - Why it's asked of me.
The speaker spoke of Mary and how the angel came to her and informed her about the task God has sent her. Mary didn't ask why, didn't need to know details, and didn't have any questions answered. She only said "Let it be unto me as you say." AND THAT'S IT?!? She just surrendered, just like that. Not even a glint of doubt or skipped heartbeat, just "Okay, sure." Now, don't get me wrong, I'm sure it was amazing and terrifying and weird and stressful, but she just said "Yeah." If it was me, I would ask how does it happen, what will happen to me, what's the next step, who do I talk to about this? Some question that could have an answer to help me along, but Mary didn't. She accepted the task (the honor), surrendered her reputation, her life and her body to God and he took care of it. She didn't seek after the answers, but just surrendered and what a remarkable life.
Right now, I'm dealing with a little answer and a big answer. Obviously the big answer I've already stated - "Why are we here? What am I suppose to do?" I think I'm on my way to discovering who I was created to be - once I get out of my way, surrender and let God move me into position. That will take a while, but hopefully I will learn how to trust. The little answer I'm seeking is a job. I started applying and things have gone all wrong in the process. I feel like I don't know what I'm doing. Obstacles from technical to irresponsible to ignorant and all the things in between have come up. I can never seem to get on track or something goes wrong on one end or the other. It's been rather frustrating. But I think I know why. I've been trying to do it all myself. I've been stressed about getting hired. I always have this gut feeling something will go wrong because trouble is waiting for me at every turn with this. I need to stop asking, "who's going to hire me, where do I go, what happens when I get there?" I need to trust that if I follow through with my end, God will take the rest. All I have to do is say "yes" and do what I know to do and surrender the rest of the questions to God. Never once during this process have I thought, "I'll do all I can, but, God, put me where you want me." I haven't allowed Him to take control, I haven't trusted He knows where I should go and I haven't surrendered to let Him carve the path.
Surrendering is a lot harder than to do it yourself. You feel like you loose control because you do. I'm not saying "Be lazy and things will come to you," but there comes a time when you have to let God guide you towards what you're called to do and who you are created to be and that can only come from you surrendering. If I let Him, He'll put me in a place where I can discover who I am, but first I must surrender. I cannot discover who I am, why I'm here and what I should do without surrendering. So, Blues Traveler got it right: "The answers are harder if an answer comes to those who pray" because if you're just looking for an answer, you're probably doing it all yourself and will get whatever answer you substitute into your life. But we don't seek the answer, we may never get the answer, we seek God and He reveals so much more than just the answer, He reveals Himself and who we are created to be. I may never know why He puts me where He will, but I will know the answer to why I am here, which is to be who He created me to me. "Your destiny depends on your surrender."
Oh, man, I hope this makes sense. I still have some questions of my own regarding what I mean. I guess I'll just have to clarify through experience.
