At Their Worst Conversation

Pre-Script: "Do I contradict myself? Then I contradict myself." I'm not real sure this thought is totally fleshed out, but it was just a conversation idea that got rolling. So - take each paragraph for what it is and says and it might not flow too well with the next, but, hopefully, you'll get the picture.

I wonder when are people at their worst? What does it look like for different people? Where are they at their worst? Is it a home, work, school? Only with certain people? Only when certain things happen? When are you at your worse, and what makes you that way, and are you okay being your worse in front of people or do you let it go behind closed doors?

I think there are a lot of ways to be at your worst. For instance, I am certainly at my food worst right now as I sit here on the bed and have proceeded to eat almost an entire pan of rice krispie treats (non-fat "I can't believe it's not butter" and natural peanut butter of course, but . . .) I feel like I just gave up and said, "Fat, take me now!" But it's not like I'm in a bad mood or anything, which would be another form of my worst. When I'm in my worst mood, I usually hold it in until I'm by myself. I'll mope around, spend time by myself, read and watch things that make me even more depressed. **Speaking of, I have read two really disappointing books in a row. I love them and hate them at the same time. But that's for a different blog.** But usually, around people I try and watch my attitude and perspective.

NOW - the real conversation that sparked this rather unusual and not fully explored topic is this: At the Red Lobster the other day, my friend (okay, we all know it's Anna) was wondering why she didn't like cucumbers but she liked pickles so much. I simply stated it was because pickles are cucumbers at their worst and we all tend to like the food that is worst for us. That got us on the topic of food at its worst. For instance, I'd say M&M's are peanuts at the worst, ketchup is a tomato at its worst - fried apple pie from the McD's would have to be an apple at its worst - chicken that has been fried and served with walffles and syrup would have to be chicken at its worst - to take the pickle even further, I'd say it's at its worst when it's "hot" and weighing in at about a pound and a half, stuffed into a bag complete with juice, and served at the movies. I mean, you might as well just suck on a salt shaker. And the list can go on from there. So, we see all these things at their worst, but we still accept them and still treat it as everyday life until we make the choice not to.

It's a constant battle not to be or accept your worst. As a teacher, I can't accept student's worst effort, I want the best. As a child, my parents didn't accept my behavior when it was at its worst. They expected the best, and if I showed them the worst, I'd get the worst. So, there are some things we don't accept the worst in: food, grades, work ethic, children's behavior. But, let's flip the coin. What do we accept?

If I sit down with my friend at dinner and see what they order is the worst for them and making them unhealthy, is that acceptable? Because if I sat down with my friend at dinner and their mood was at its worst that would not be acceptable because it makes me uncomfortable. If a celebrity or political leader I like is at their worst, do I say "Well, what do you expect? They have had such difficult circumstances and pressure," but, it's unacceptable for the homeless guy to be rude? So, which "worst" can we live with and get by with and which do we need to battle?

The last quesiton I have is do we accept the worst as a natural part of life that everyone feels, everyone goes through, or do we have to constantly beat it down and say it's not right to be at our worst? I know it's not socially correct to be at your worst in public, but if everyone does it, feels it and thinks it, is it fair to go along and pretend it isn't there? And how dare we judge others at their worst and expect their pity at seeing ours?

The Answers are Getting Harder Conversation

"The answers are getting harder. If an answer comes to those who pray, comes to those who pray." - Stand by Blues Traveler.
I have listened to that song who knows how many times and finally that tiny little phrase, out of the millions of songs I know, came to my mind and now means something to me. The answers. THE answer. Who's got it and when do I get it? Do I even believe there is an answer? Do I care what it is? I normally don't think about the future. I care nothing for the adult world. Whilst growing up, I never pictured my life past 18. I actually, really, truly thought I would be dead by then. So I've looked at my life past 18 as a kind of bonus time. But obviously I was incorrect so my question is, "What's the purpose?" Or in other words, "What am I suppose to do with all this extra life?"

In church today, the speaker talked about surrendering. Now, quickly go through all the sermons you've heard on surrendering. That's exactly what I thought when she first started speaking. Yes, I know I must sacrifice and surrender my life and take up my cross and die to self and all that. However, I never even paused to think about what surrendering really is. It's what I was created for. Confused? Me too . . . let me look at my notes, maybe that will help. They read:

• Self sacrifice and surrendering leads to self discovery because it's who I am created to be.
• I will never know who I am created to be without surrendering to God because only He, who knows me better than I know myself, can put me where I need to be.
• If I try to do it on my own, I will fail because it's my way and I don't have that kind of strength or mind.
• My destiny depends on my surrendering.
• The answers I'm looking for may never come.
• Don't seek the answers, seek God for there the answers are hidden.
• What's asked of me? Not - Why it's asked of me.

The speaker spoke of Mary and how the angel came to her and informed her about the task God has sent her. Mary didn't ask why, didn't need to know details, and didn't have any questions answered. She only said "Let it be unto me as you say." AND THAT'S IT?!? She just surrendered, just like that. Not even a glint of doubt or skipped heartbeat, just "Okay, sure." Now, don't get me wrong, I'm sure it was amazing and terrifying and weird and stressful, but she just said "Yeah." If it was me, I would ask how does it happen, what will happen to me, what's the next step, who do I talk to about this? Some question that could have an answer to help me along, but Mary didn't. She accepted the task (the honor), surrendered her reputation, her life and her body to God and he took care of it. She didn't seek after the answers, but just surrendered and what a remarkable life.

Right now, I'm dealing with a little answer and a big answer. Obviously the big answer I've already stated - "Why are we here? What am I suppose to do?" I think I'm on my way to discovering who I was created to be - once I get out of my way, surrender and let God move me into position. That will take a while, but hopefully I will learn how to trust. The little answer I'm seeking is a job. I started applying and things have gone all wrong in the process. I feel like I don't know what I'm doing. Obstacles from technical to irresponsible to ignorant and all the things in between have come up. I can never seem to get on track or something goes wrong on one end or the other. It's been rather frustrating. But I think I know why. I've been trying to do it all myself. I've been stressed about getting hired. I always have this gut feeling something will go wrong because trouble is waiting for me at every turn with this. I need to stop asking, "who's going to hire me, where do I go, what happens when I get there?" I need to trust that if I follow through with my end, God will take the rest. All I have to do is say "yes" and do what I know to do and surrender the rest of the questions to God. Never once during this process have I thought, "I'll do all I can, but, God, put me where you want me." I haven't allowed Him to take control, I haven't trusted He knows where I should go and I haven't surrendered to let Him carve the path.

Surrendering is a lot harder than to do it yourself. You feel like you loose control because you do. I'm not saying "Be lazy and things will come to you," but there comes a time when you have to let God guide you towards what you're called to do and who you are created to be and that can only come from you surrendering. If I let Him, He'll put me in a place where I can discover who I am, but first I must surrender. I cannot discover who I am, why I'm here and what I should do without surrendering. So, Blues Traveler got it right: "The answers are harder if an answer comes to those who pray" because if you're just looking for an answer, you're probably doing it all yourself and will get whatever answer you substitute into your life. But we don't seek the answer, we may never get the answer, we seek God and He reveals so much more than just the answer, He reveals Himself and who we are created to be. I may never know why He puts me where He will, but I will know the answer to why I am here, which is to be who He created me to me. "Your destiny depends on your surrender."

Oh, man, I hope this makes sense. I still have some questions of my own regarding what I mean. I guess I'll just have to clarify through experience.

The Name Conversation

Do you ever wonder how much went into your name? Number one, who came up with it? If you have a name like mine, someone else had it first, but who was the first one to have it? Who was the one to make up the name? Perhaps you have a name like . . . Art or Skip; a name that is an actual thing. Who said it's alright to have a name that is an object or action? I wonder if someone has a name that means absolutely nothing. My name came in the form of a suggestion from Lou Huges to my mother. My middle name, Nicole, is the female version of my Dad's best man's name, Nick. My last name . . . . well, who knows. I am one of the many Smiths in America, so it's kind of hard to trace the name back. Actually, I'm not even a Smith; I'm a Perry. My grandfather on my Dad's side, Pa, was born Jullian Ray Perry. His parents got divorced and the man his mother re-married was named Smith, so my Pa took on his last name. I didn't even know until two years or so ago. Weird, uh? I guess it doesn't matter. But I do know one thing - I am it for the Smiths. I am the last in line. The name dies with me. The man my great grandmother married did not have any kids, but adopted my Pa. My Pa had four girls and one boy. My Dad only had two girls, so that's it for the Smiths. Talk about the pressure. However, I am glad I don't live in a time when your name is all you had; what the public knew you by; the standard you were held to. That would be real pressure.

My friend told me about a blog entry she saw once about names and I thought it might be fun. It's a favorite name blog. Now, everyone has their favorite names, perhaps it's your name, perhaps you have names picked out for your future kids or perhaps (and the ones I find most interesting of all) you have found names in books, movies, t.v. shows, authors, actors, singers, anyone of cultural significance or just your friends that you would consider putting on this list we are about to make. (I say we, but pretty much, I can anticipate only my list going up, which is okay.) It's a list of the coolest, most bizarre, odd sounding, pleasant sounding, nostalgic bringing, interesting, cool names. So, I'm going to start my list (I might add to it later) and you can post the same. Also, I would be interested in how your name came about, or what it means, or even a past family history secret will come out! Here we go:

Willy Wonka, Charlie Bucket, Veruca Salt, Augustus Glump (Charlie and the Chocolate Factory)
Yo Yo Ma

Argus Filch, Mad Eye Moody, Severus Snape, Darco Malfoy, Petunia Dursley, Sirius Black, Bellatrix Lastrange, Dobby, Xeno Lovegood, Albus Dumbledore (Harry Potter)

Kermit (the Frog)

Chuck E. Cheese

Marty McFly (Back to the Future)

Miss Havisham (Great Expectations)

Rizzo (Grease)

Mercutio (Romeo and Juliet)

Merlin
George Bailey (It's a Wonderful Life)

Ebenezer Scrooge (A Christmas Carol)

Forrest Gump

Ma Rainey (Jazz Singer)

Penny Lane

Prince Humperdink

Puck (Midsummer's Night Dream)

Winnie the Pooh (just because someone but "Pooh" in a name)

Debbie Schriener (My Good Friend)

Ethan Hawk
Ringo Starr

Wilma Flintstone

Miss Frizzle (Magic School Bus)

Benjamin Linus, Mr. Echo (LOST)

Topanga Lawrence (Boy Meets World)

Oliver Twist

Mufasa (The Lion King)

Holden Caulfield (Catcher in the Rye)

Noah (The Holy Bible)

Darth Vader (Star Wars)

Optimus Prime (Transformers)

Tweedledum and Tweedledee (Through the Looking Glass)

Lynn Jasperson

Oscar Wilder

Ray Lamontagne

Dolly Parton

Buzz Lightyear (Toy Story)

Dracula

Tennessee Williams

Inspector Gadget
Huckleberry

Where's your list???

The Revive the E-mail to it's Former Glory Conversation

Remember "You've Got Mail?" (Now go back and read that again and, please, do the proper voice in your head.) American On Line. Who uses that anymore? I'm sure someone, but I don't know anybody that signs on to AOL 2.0 on the regular and gets to hear those precious words. I think those words were so special because it was the dawning of the internet for me and several of my friends and we were the target age that ate it up. It was so exciting, in fact, that you felt important to even be getting Forwarded messages because it meant someone knew your personal e-mail address. So universal was the feeling you got when you heard these words that Hollywood, Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks deemed it Romantic Comedy Hit worthy.

I admit, I was late jumping on the internet bandwagon. (I seem to get on bandwagons way too late. I hold out for no reason and then suddenly join up and realize it's not that bad . . . Flip Flops, not that bad.) But there was something about AOL - made you feel important, I'd say elite. Don't even speak to me about "hotmail." And a snailmail account? Don't make me laugh. The dreadful switch to Comcast probably ended a few of my relationships. More affordable internet? Who needs that?

Do you remember the one person who was your e-mail friend? The person you would spend hours and hours writing really, really long e-mails to really late at night? The one who got all your FWD: messages but only if they were funny enough. Or those people on your Buddies list you would IM till 3:00 in the morning? And please, never forget the people you sent those lovable animated e-cards to. Where are those friends? What a pure rush of joy you would feel if they were on-line at the same time. Do you remember the anticipation to see if "they wrote you back?" Remember when "LOL" use to really mean something? What happen? Did we all realize we were being way over passionate about the internet and no one really wanted all those e-mails and e-cards (admit it, you sent one or two) and therefore ended the relationship not only with the person but with the fun-loving internet as well? All the friends I have now, I didn't e-mail once during the dawning age of the internet. Where are you and why did the e-mails stop?

E-mails were so instrumental in expressing yourself then, especially as a new teenager. However, now pretty much all we use it for is business and reminders and to pass along only important information. I think we have all gotten too busy and too "efficient" to even send a personal e-mail. People will always talk about the death of "the letter." "No one writes letters anymore. Letters are more personal than e-mail." Well, e-mails can be pretty personal. Even if it's just a catching up thing or a thinking of you or a good job, e-mails can be "Save in Folder X" worthy.

SO, I challenge you to write an e-mail for the pure heck of it; perhaps to your one long forgotten e-mail buddy. Send an e-card, unearth the forever ago FWD message about "Happy Dysfunctional Day" or that one with the weird looking monkeys and the bananas . . . anybody? See what people do if you just randomly ask how they're doing and give them a brief update (brief, people, brief update.) And always remember to ask them a question about their life too . . . .it's only polite. But seriously, folks, this week I will look into getting back to writing a random, funny, geez it's great to get to tell you about my boring day e-mail. I encourage you to do the same.

Other Nostalgia Inducing Remembrances:
Hearing the door opening effect when your buddies got on-line. Calling your friend to get on-line and chat. High school typing class was only important for you to be more efficient at IM.

ANYBODY GOT MORE?

The Songs That Keep Conversations in My Head

Here are the songs I can't get out of my head these past few weeks. And if you have heard them before . . . follow the link below the title and watch my favorite perforamces of the song. Same for if you have not heard them.

Mary - Patty Griffin
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XOxpvKuEruk

Tiger Mountain Peasant - Fleet Foxes
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vu_3RS2rO78

Thinking of You - Katy Perry
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H4ihigvpUgc

Grey Room - Damien Rice (so much that I was going to write it twice.)http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=84h2_NBAZt0&feature=related

9 Crimes - Damien Rice
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HOn5Eudj5tI

Heartbeats - Jose Gonzalez
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s4_4abCWw-w

"Hooked on a Feeling" and "Jinggle Bells" are always in my head. I didn't notice it until lately, but there it is . . . ALWAYS. And for a brief, but thrilling while this morning, "Proud to be an American" rolled through my head and off my tounge. What song is playing in your head today? Or Always?

The Just Need to Talk Conversation

My very good friend, Brandon Palma, is my very good friend. I have been without him for some months now and it's wearing on me. He is doing an incredible job interning for the spring

semester of INVISIBLE CHILDREN. http://www.invisiblechildren.com/home.php

He has been working very, very hard for a great cause and purpose. He has even shattered some Invisible Children records while he has been there. I think he has learned a lot and grown so much more than I am able to tell right now. I just miss him being here. It's only for a few months, but it feels like so much longer. Brandon and I have gone to two events together every year since we were old enough. The Youth Drama Retreat (7th-12th grades) and J.A.M. Kamp (4th-6th grades.) We participated every year as campers and have gone on to be leaders at these events (he is now 23 and I am 22.) Since he's been gone, he has missed our Youth Drama Retreat and he will be gone for or Talent Showcase. He will miss my birthday, Easter, and he will be gone right up until J.A.M Kamp. This is making me miss him more than ever because these are all big events in our lives every year and he is such an important part of them all. This is the spring without him and it's so weird and feels so wrong. I am glad he is doing this intership, I am. I just miss him. Brandon has such a big heart and I am glad he gets to spread it around! I hope the people that are with him now know how lucky they are!

Brandon and I have a very simple/complex friendship. Simple when it needs to be, when it's easy, and complicated like any other life-long friendship is inevitably. Brandon is the friend I can share any kind of feeling with - simple or complex. It can be the feeling of the weather, the feeling of a movie, song, moment, conversation, impending doom situation or just a ridiculous or funny situation. I can be a cryer with Brandon, I can be vulnerable, I can be a girl, I can be quiet, I can be sad, I can be simply happy, I can be fun, I can be stressed, I can be tired, I can be scatterbrained, I can be a singer, I can be a musician, I can be a peacemaker, I can be a person who rants and I can be a better person. I say all these things not to describe who I am, but to describe moments of our friendship. Every single one of these things "I can be" have significant meaning to me and Brandon because they trigger certain memories that have happen between us in these past years of friendship.

Now, honestly, Brandon can get on my last nerve. We have had misunderstandings, we have had fights, we have had heated discussions, but after each fight we have, there is always a clearing we come to where we are still friends at the end of the bumpy road. How many friends do you have that are actually, really, intently there for you every time, always, no matter what? When you are around someone for so long, you take them for granted and for short periods of time every little thing they do you can come to criticize. However, in these past couple of months, I have seen how I tend to take his friendship for granted. Sure he's just a phone call away, but there is something about sitting in the coffee shop with your friend and talking face to face when you need to talk through something. That is just the converstaion that inspired this blog entry.

I had something pressing on me and I had talked to many people about it, but I didn't feel settled about the subject. Then I randomly texted Brandon something really funny about someone, but unrepeatable for the weak stomached reader. That text told Brandon of my awkward situation and he was having a "bust" day as well. Although funny, this conversation reminded us when we are having an awkward or bad day, we just need to talk to our friends about it and get it off our chest. So he called me and we talked for 30 minutes about what was going on in his world and I got to talk about my pressing matter. Brandon was just the person I needed to talk to. I feel more settled about the situation and I know Brandon knows I can do it and will be great at it. If you have your friends behind you, you can go ahead. I was going to say, "If you have your friends behind you, you can't fail." That's not true though. I might fail, I might regret the decision, I might be in over my head, but it's okay because Brandon, and a handful of my close friends, will still be there no matter how simple or complex the journey may be and that means the world to me.

BRANDON - Good luck, Pal! You know I love you more than my luggage. Remember the same last few sentences go for you too! Do good. Be Brave. ABC FO' LIFE.

http://www.invisiblechildren.com/home.php

Katy Perry is The Truth Conversation

A text message conversation went as follows:

"Just wanted you to know - 'You're an Indian summer in the middle of winter.'"

"Oh man she is not playing."

"My goodness not at all. This song played all those heart strings and slammed on the emotion button. That music video! They don't call me Weepy for nothing."

"Oh man. Alanis the Second, welcome to my life. Youtube her live on Kimmel. I wept."

"That is exactly who I thought it was at first and what a league to be in! I will watch it A.S.A.P."

Now, I know what you're thinking: My friend and I are excellent text messengers with no weird, confusing mumbo-jumbo abbreviations and you appreciate that. However, I need you to focus (but thanks and don't try to text me anything fancy because I wont get it.) I would like to discuss the reason for this intense text message. This song, Thinking of You by Katy Perry, has opened my eyes to a great newish artist.

Now, when I heard her first hit single, "I Kissed a Girl," I was not impressed. Catchy? Energetic? Radio Playable? Yes. For me? No. Then, whilst doing the everyday grind driving, over the radio comes this voice with strange emphasis, stabbing lyrics and a really rocking band. Alanis? No, there is something . . . . different. Who is this? I listen to the rest of the song knowing for sure the announcer will tell me who this is and, of course, the D.J. just pushes along to the next song. GAH! I need the i-Phone Shazam application that listens to the music and tells you the artist and title. But, alas, here I am and another great song, that I tell myself to keep remembering so I can type in the lyrics to Google but always forget, has passed.

Fast forward to a few days ago. I awake to VH-1. I must have fallen asleep to some mind-numbing, yet compelling reality love show. This is a strange occurrence because the staple TV channel to fall asleep to is, of course, Nick-at-Night (I do miss the days of Mary Taylor Moore, Taxi, Dragnet and Alfred Hitchcock.) Playing on VH-1 is this song I have heard before by a girl I recognize. I watch the heart aching video and at the end I am finally given the vital information I need. This song and video struck a chord with me (no pun intended.) I get on my computer, I so conveniently download it from i-Tunes and add it to my playlist. I strongly suggest you do the same and tell the world.

I would like to thank Anna Watkins for winning tickets on the radio for us to go to the concert! How the stars aline.

P.S.
I'd like to thank Katy Perry, Alanis Morissette, Jimmy Kimmel, Google, i-Phone, Shazam, VH-1, Nick-at-Night and i-Tunes for sponsoring this message. I'd do a great product placement show.

Tap Dancing on My Nerves Conversation

Michelle told me a story around Christmas . . . . actually to be more accurate it was Christmas Eve in which this story took place. It has happened to her before, it's happened to me before and I am sure you have experienced it as well. Only, you haven't noticed it before and neither did I until this enlightening conversation with Michelle. I now notice it so much that it TAP DANCES ON MY NERVES. Therefore, I will bring this occurrence to your attention so you can share the annoyance with me . . . it actually gives you a good story to tell your friends after it happens to you; so, enjoy.

Now, Michelle is a pleasant person. She's helpful, nice, supportive, gives excellent advice. However, you can push that button fast. This Christmas Eve, Michelle's button was pushed by a . . . . . what's a good word for these types of people . . . . stupid person. This "stupid person" (I'm sure you know a version of him) asked Michelle a stupid question: "Are these seats reserved?" Michelle then looks at the RESERVED sign posted at the end of about three rows of chairs and, of course, replies, "Yes." Astonishingly, the conversation continues:

"Well, do you know why they are reserved?"

"Uh, no, I'm sorry, I don't know."

"Well, I was going to move my family up to these seats because they are closer."

"Okay, well, I don't know who they are for."

"Well, I really wanted to move up. Do you think I could do that?"

"Sir, I don't know who the seats are for, so I don't know if they would mind. I just don't know."

"Okay, well, if you see anybody, can you ask them if they would let my family move up here?"

"Sir, I am sure they are reserved for a reason, so I'm not going to ask them."

"Okay, so should I ask them?"

"Okay," and Michelle walks away.

Once she told me this story I recalled a slight, faded memory of this happening to me, but surely, this was not a regular occurrence with people. However, "stupid people" will never let you down. Since this conversation, this situation has occurred in my life at an alarming rate. One day it happened four times.

I work in a coffee shop, so I get a lot of those: "Are yawl like a Starbucks?" or the "Can you make a peppermint hot chocolate like Starbucks?" I would like to reply, "Oh, gosh, you know, actually Starbucks has a hold on all peppermint and chocolate syrups in the entire world, so we can't, sorry." This people are idiots, but I embrace them because it makes me laugh and I can tell my friends about these people and brush them off. However, the people of the "stupid people" category we have created, I cannot brush off nor laugh at because the questions they ask jump on and swing on my nerves. For instance:

"Does yawl's computer work back here?"

"Uh, let me see. Yep, it's working."

"Well, my computer doesn't work up at the front."

"Oh, I'm sorry, I'm not really good with computers. Maybe you can ask the company computer guy."

"Oh, well, I don't really know what to ask him. It's saying some kind of error? . . . ."

"Oh, I have no clue what that means, so . . ."

PAUSE. They just stare.

"But your computer works back here?"

"Yes, it works."

"Okay, well, it says some kind of error."

"Yeah, I don't know."

"Okay, well, if you get a chance can you come look at it?"

"Uh . . . yeah, sure."

GAH! What did I just explain? I DON'T KNOW! But, of course, you have to be nice and willing to help because you're just that kind of person. That awkward, always helpful person they think they can get a resolution out of if they just keep asking the same thing over and over again. But my personal favorite is this one:

"Hey, did you work on Thursday by chance?"

"Uh, last Thursday . . . let's see, no, I didn't work that day."

"Oh, well, I was supposed to meet somebody here."

"Oh, well, I wasn't here, so I don't know."

"Okay, I was just wondering if anybody came in and probably looked confused like they were looking for someone?"

"Yeah, I don't know, I didn't work Thursday, so I don't know."

"Well, if you see them can you let them know I'm here?"

"Well, I didn't work Thursday, so I don't know who you're talking about."

"Oh, you'll recognize him, he's just a guy."

"Alright, any guy that comes in I'll send him your way."

What is that? I WASN'T HERE. I CAN'T HELP YOU. I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING! Here is one more. I call this one "The Stink Eye Lady."

"Hi. Can I get you something?"

"Yes, what kind of fruit do you have today?"

"Oh, we don't have fruit today."

"You don't have fruit."

"No, I'm sorry, can I get you anything else?"

"Well, I was really wanting fruit."

"Uh, okay, I'm sorry, we just don't have any today."

"Well, on your sign it says you have fruit."

"Okay, we don't have any today, so . . . "

I GET THE STINK EYE.

"I'll just have a bottled water."

"Okay, great."

Lady, I am not lying; I am not hiding anything from you. I am simply telling you what we don't have and I can't make it appear just because you keep asking questions. I can't make the seats not say "RESERVED," I can't fix your computer, I can't give you any information on what happen Thursday because I wasn't here and I definitely cannot make food appear on your whim.

Now that you have read this and hopefully get what's happening. I encourage you to go forth and, number one, do not be a "stupid person" and, number two, report back with your conversation because it is unavoidable and I would love to know Michelle and I are not alone in this.

**"Tap Dancing on My Nerves" and "Swinging on my nerves" - Brandon Palma**

The Important Conversation

You have conversations. Some happen at work, some in your "other" life, with your family, friends, strangers. Some conversations get things done, some undo things, some are revelations, some are confusing, and some you can't even remember what you where talking about during the conversation. Out of all these conversations you have from day to day, can you remember your most important one? How about your top ten most important? Mine happened just recently.

I was trying to think of some conversations I would put up against this one as being more important - like the one I had with my College Dean when I wasn't going to graduate . . . yeah, that was important. Or several of the ones I've had with my family regarding our changing family dynamics and so forth. I think it's even more important than my conversation I had with my best friend from middle school when I told her we were moving. Yes, these were all very important conversations at the time, however, I believe this tops them all. The reason why it tops them is because it's not centered around me. All these important, tough conversations I can remember concern what will happen in my life. Although this particular conversation will change my life, it will change my perspective from, "How I can make the best of it for me?" to "How I can make it the best for someone else? Someone I haven't even met." Confusing yet? I guess you would like to hear the story.

It was Saturday night at 10:56 p.m. Being February 1st, it was of course freezing in my house. I can't stand to be cold, so my remedy, seeing as changing the thermostat is punishable by death, is to jump in a steaming hot bath and then get into bed as soon as possible. This was my plan at 10:56 p.m. on February 1st. I had just kicked off my shoes, picked out my pajamas, and headed for the bathroom when my cell phone buzzed. I paused. Who would be calling me at 11:00 at night? I turned back to my bedroom and listened for the buzzing again. I couldn't find it. I threw my p.j.'s on the bed and frantically began wading through the sea of clothes that more often than not covers my carpeted floor. Something about it being so late and the fact I couldn't seem to find the phone made me very panicked. Clothes started flying through the air and then back down into the depths. The buzzing continued. Where was that phone? It buzzed again and again and then it was silent. Oh great. Now I have to find the house phone, bring it up here, call my phone and continue the search. Gah!

There was no waiting till tomorrow to find the phone. It must have been an important call including a very important conversation for someone to call that late and to wait out all the rings till the voicemail message cut it off. So, I get the house phone, I search some more and, wouldn't you know it, there it is - hidden beneath the down comforter of my bed, not on the floor at all. It's Cortney. Cortney, my sister, had called me. Well then, there was no reason for such panic. I know exactly what she was calling about - to ask me to come to her church on Sunday for the new series. I could just call her tomorrow, but I'd probably forget, so I called her right back. What I heard was not the subject topic I was expecting. It went something like this:

"Hello"

"Hey, Cort. You rang?"

"Yeah, what are you up to?"

"Well, I was about to get in the bath and go to bed."

"Yeah, can you come over here?"

"Right now?"

"Yeah, I need to talk to you about something"

"Okay, Cortney, about what?"

"I just need to talk to you."

"What about?"

"I can't tell you over the phone, I need to sit down and talk to you."

"Did I do something?"

"No, I just want to talk."

"Okay, cause you're making it sound like I'm being called into an office or something. Is it about me?"

"Yeah, it's about you but it's about me too. Can you just come over?"

"Sure, I'll be there in a little while."

"And don't tell Mom, I don't want to involve her yet."

"Uh, okay."

YIKES. What did that mean? I put my shoes back on, threw on my coat and into the cold night I went. On the way, I was thinking several things. I thought of how I was just about to be warm. I was just about to put my p.j.'s on and turn out the lights so my room could turn into the darkest of caves. I was just about to sink into my pillow top mattress, pull my worn-in quilt and down comforter around me and I was just about to be peacefully asleep. However, here I am: in a cold car with my hands on a cold sterning wheel, listening to a protesting cold engine whine down the road. I was about to get out and walk across a cold, scary apartment complex parking lot and into a cold apartment. I was, in a word: uncomfortable. I had other thoughts as well to add to this uncomfortableness. "What could she want to talk to me about? Can I think of anything I have done really wrong in the past couple of months? Has she done something wrong and wants to talk to someone about it?" Of course it had to be something horrible, something serious, something terribly wrong. There was no room for doubt there. I had to start preparing myself for the worst. She would answer the door all red and watery eyed or she would look very stern and hesitant. She would no dobut try to lead into the harsh news and I would get those nervous butterflies. This is not going to be good. I pulled into the closest parking space I could find, first for safety, second for a quick entrance into the apartment. I took a deep breath (Gah, it's cold) and went to the door.

Cortney invited me in.

Cortney had a fire going.

Cortney's apartment was warm.

Cortney's expression was kind, excited even.

Cortney invited me to sit next to the fire.

Cortney moved to a box on top of the coffee table.

Cortney pulled out a plastic bag with three sticks in it.

Cortney told me I was going to be an Aunt.

Cortney, the baby and I sat next to the fire and had a very important

Conversation.

The Need Conversation

It's overwhelming how much people need, isn't it? I know some people need more than others, but still, everyone needs a lot of things. Just think of something you need.

I would say the main thing people need is money. "Money can't buy you happiness." Well, I think it can if you're in the right circumstance. You can't depend on that alone, of course, but it would make me happy. And if not money, then what else is a universal solver? Love? Friendship? I can tell you one thing, I am glad I am one of the people who is in need of money instead of needing friendship or love.

That thought was sprung from a brief conversation I had with one of my friends recently, but her thought went something like, "It's overwhelming how many people need." I, being superficial, changed it to "how much I need" instead of "how many people need." If you knew the exact number of people on the planet, you would know exactly how many people need because we are all in need of something. A car, a house, more money, a jacket, a blanket, food, a pillow, a friend, a family.

I think what most of us need (whether we know it or not) is to meet other's needs. It's gratifying, and yet, how little we actually do it. What does that say about you and me? We can do it everyday, if not in a big, meaningful way, at least in a small way. Helping out our friend with a project, taking care of something you know no one else will, talking to someone who you don't really want to spend time talking to but you know it will help. A lot of people just need your attention and time. Can you give it?

The hardest thing to do is give your family what they need. I'm not talking about providing the essentials for them, but just being there for them on the everyday. The people you are closest to, the people no one else will see you give to, are the hardest people to be kind to and generous with.

If I could provide a need, would I be okay seeing someone else get what they needed and not me? Would I be okay with that? Would it come back around? Would I be okay if it didn't?

The way I see it, the one thing everyone needs is love. If you love someone, truly, not just because you have to, then you will meet their needs. If you love people, then strangers will get what they need as well. This Presidency of Obama is trying to promote human kindness, unity and understanding. However, it's more about a hope in Humanity than in one man. It will take all of us to meet the need of our country and each other individually. I'll work on that.

The Start Conversation

I have always wanted to take a huge road trip on my own. I know how dangerous that is, I know how lonely I would get and I know how much money that would be, but it doesn't change anything. I want to do something adventurous, out of the ordinary. I keep thinking if I can just get away I can mean something or discover something, be a different person. I have waited a long time to take that journey and I knew if I got the chance, I would come back changed.

However, as I begun to think about all this, I realized I don't have to go away and I shouldn't wait on something to change me; I need to and can change myself. I am already on a trip and I have everyday to change something about me, to do something exciting or worth while. I am always waiting to do something, and I know there are certain things you have to wait for, but the things I want to do, I can start doing now. It just will take me actually starting it.

You know when you had to (or have to) write and essay and the hardest part is actually sitting down and starting? Once you've started, everything flows and you can go back and fix things if necessary. If I can just start something, this one thing in particular, I know it will flow and be okay, but where to start? How to start? How come I keep pushing it off? Is it because there is no actual due date?

How do you start your life you want to live? By making decisions; by sticking my them. A noble person does not just become noble by only wanting to be, they make the decision and then stick by it. I want to be a person who doesn't waste their words, stands up for what's right, makes hard decisions, and actively pursues challenges. Who isn't judgemental, who doesn't care for appearances, doesn't need approval from everyone. I want to chase my vision and have hope it will come true.

All I have to do is start. I can't wait for someone to tell me what to do. I've done that long enough. I have to tell myself. I have to stand up to the opposing side and start being the person I want to be.

Songs that Hit Me

There are certain songs that "hit" all of us. They are the songs you hear for the first time and it changes your life, or at least envoke some kind of emotion you can't identify at first, but you know you have to listen to that song for the rest of your life. This is my condensed list of songs. I am sure I will add to this list both the ones I forgot and new ones as they enter my life. I will attempt to list the songs and what they did to me when I heard them. They are mostly older songs from my music library, but that just proves what's stated above.



Anna Begins - Counting Crows - The drum line the song opens with hit me in the face and I had to rewind and listen to just the intro over and over again. So basicaly, I got hit in the face and went back for more and more. The words also hit me. The way they are sung and the story they tell are strong and true.

Top of the World - Dixie Chicks - The live version is the one. The song makes you think of your life and what the heck kind of person are you? The part that hit me is the lyrics, of course, but what's amazing is the instrumental and ad-lib towards the end that is the most powerful part It punched me in the face and then sat on the floor and bawled with me. It had to make me feel the pain before I could understand the suffering in the song. If you ever get to see the live DVD made of this Album, watch this song and see how it affects the lead singer; it makes it that much more powerful and you will want to move like that every time you hear the song.

Family Portrait - Pink - This song walked up to me with understanding in its eyes, took something sharp, and cut me open. Then it backed off and watched me bleed while saying "It's okay, I know, it's okay."

Say it to Me Now - Glen Hansard - When this song picks up and he does that yell/sing thing, it grabed me by the front of the shirt, pulled me in and said "Stand up and say it, or get out."

The Lighthouse Tale - Nickelcreek - The opening madolin lic is enough to make you think you're in love with music, but the "tale" itself will put an ache in your heart. This song sat me down and told me the story of it's life; the one significate story that shaped who it was and who it will alwyas be. The harmonies are almost too beautiful for your ears to stand.

Godspeed - Dixie Chicks - This song is saying "Goodbye."

Magic - Ben Folds - The instruments in this song tell as much of the story as the lyrics.

Tiny Dancer - Eilton John - This songs invited me to dance on the empty stage after the concert, just like Katie Hudson did in Almost Famous.

I Shall Not Walk Alone - Ben Harper - I fell into this song and it said, "I know you're tired, so let me carry you."

Come to Jesus - Mindy Smith - This song saw that I was crying and pulled my chin up and said "You don't have to hide it."

I Feel Love - Blue Man Group/ Venus Hum - This song invited me to do one of those groovy dances that make you look stupid, but are so fun.

Hate Me - Blue October - This song told me to back off and mean it. Even if you love them. Even if they have to hate you.

The Mountains Win Again - Blues Travler - The harmonica in the begining is the coolest sound.

Masters of War - Bob Dylan - The message is angry, but he says it in such a way that you know he means every word and he says exactly what everyone was thinking (or is thinking.) The song is not sung in an angry way, but a strong, honest way.

The Story - Brandie Carlile - This song hit me because it doesn't blast when you think it should and then catches you off guard.

First Day of My Life - Bright Eyes - This song makes you want to "drive all night, just to see you in the morning."

Long Ride Home - Patty Griffith - I don't know why this hit me.

Bullet and a Target - Citizen Cope - The opening and the singer.

A Rush of Blood to the Head - Coldplay - This song is a stranger that came up and told me what he's going to do to the persons and places that hurt their love and then conviences me that I should do that for people in my life. It makes me think of the part of Forrest Gump when he tears down Jenny's old house.

Warning Sign - Coldplay - "I missed the good part and I realized, I started looking and the bubble burst, I started looking for excuses. Come on in. I've got to tell you what a state I'm in. I've got to tell you in my loudest tones. I started looking for a Warning Sign. When the truth is, I miss you. Yeah, the truth is, I miss you. . . Then I realized that you were an island and I passed you by, you were an island to discover. And I'm tired, I should not have let you go." If only I could "crawl back into your open arms" because I know I messed up.

Trouble - Coldplay - This song is coupled with the Counting Crow's song "Chelsea" when it says "The things I do to people I love shouldn't be allowed."

A Murder of One - Counting Crows - This song came back from a place I've never been before and told me to get up and get going, don't let your life be a "shame, shame, shame" and "stare off into the distance."

Raining in Baltimore - Counting Crows - It says, "This is what I need and if I can only get it, I'll be okay for a while. Help me, please."

Cold Water - Damien Rice - His voice on the opening lyrics make you want to cry and ask "Am I Lost?"

Mercy - Duffy - Makes you want to dance out loud and have fun and not be ashamed.

9 crimes - Damien Rice - I have no idea what this song is talking about, but the fact it ask you the question "Is that alright?" without being sarcastic, but really meaning it makes all the difference.


The Best Deceptions - Dashboard Confessional -

Vindicated - Dashboard Confessional

Gravedigger - Dave Matthews - This song makes you thing graves can talk and they have too many sad stories to tell.

Come Pick Me Up - Ryan Adams - This song said, "I know this will end badly, but plase let's do it anyway."

Stay or Leave - Dave Matthews

Grey Street - Dave Matthews

This Year's Love - David Gray

Babalyon - David Gray

Love Songs - Fleming and John - It's accapella, so of course it will hit you regardless, but the lyrics are mysterious and tells you know you can be told something without actually being told it.

Sex on Fire - Kings of Leon - This song just says "Yep, I know, but I'm gonna do it anyway and it's okay."

Fire and Rain - James Taylor - This song told me "I know you miss them, but here, let me help you miss them a little bit more."

I CAN'T THINK ANYMORE. I will have to post this one and come back for more, but, please, if you have reached the end of my list, post some of your own and add to the growing collection.

100 Things About Me

1. I hope to one day realize it's not about me.
2. I can manipulate any situation. I somehow explain myself and even if I know I'm wrong, I'll put some kind of logic to it and make myself and you believe I was doing it with the best intentions.
3. I want to be the kind of person people want around when they are in a fix.
4. I think of people I want in the car with me when I hear certain songs.
5. I always space twice after the period in a sentence.
6. "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" is my favorite Christmas song. The words are all you could wish for in a Christmas.
7. My favorite band is Counting Crows.
8. I don't like Ranch Dressing on my salad and I would like to meet the person who said it is the staple dressing.
9. I love everything about ski trips and hate the idea of snowboarding only because both of your feet are trapped and cannot move independently. I know I'll have to try it one day and it's suppose to be so much more trendier than skiing, but, it freaks me out.
10. For the longest time I had reoccurring war dreams. They all centered around the church I go to and they always had different rules and objectives.
11. When I was young, I had to be pulled out of the classroom for speech therapy.
12. I have no time for show-offs.
13. I love to read, and I feel lazy and as if something is missing if I don't have a book to be reading.
14. I love teaching people anything.
15. I am happiest with a script in my hand and my feet on a stage.
16. I punched my sister in the back once. She was leaning over the sink about to brush her teeth and there it was and I was mad. I also threw a dart at her that stuck in her foot.
17. It takes a lot to make me angry with you. It takes even more for me to approach you about my problem with you. However, I believe that is changing. I realize I can't do that anymore or I'll go insane and my hives will continue. . . that cannot happen.
18. I don't have as much money as some think I do. Just because my parents have money, doesn't mean I do.
19. One of my favorite things to do is listen to the wind.
20. I have a hat full of tricks on the trampoline.
21. I'm good at making a fire and keeping it going.
22. Once you're my friend, good friend, I don't ever count you out as being one. We can not talk for years and I still count you as my friend. I don't change that much, so if you were my friend then, why can't you be my friend now? Hopefully I've learned to be an even better friend than before.
23. I am very loyal.
24. I can't stand Hot Pockets.
25. I need to be more conscious that I slouch. I'll always catch myself and the fact that I always catch myself tells me that I always slouch.
26. I love a good card game. Phase 10 is my favorite.
27. I hate when people are losing a game and want to then give up.
28. When I get scared at night, I'll stay up all night and wont sleep till it's light outside. I hate the feeling of waking up alarmed.
29. I was born on March 29th and I have always thought March is the best month because it gives great weather. I have often wondered if I was not born in March, would I still feel the same way, or does everyone feel that way about their own birth month?
30. I often get too emotionally attached to fictional characters.
31. I forget where I placed my keys, license, debit card and favorite hat ALL THE TIME!
32. I cannot spell worth a crap. (I use to have a best friend that used the word "crap" a lot.) I wish I could spell better, but I don't know how to do that.
33. I have never wanted to grow up. I never imagined my life after 18, so right now I'm not sure what I should be doing. You know how people are always saying you take your youth for granted? I never did; I knew I would miss it and now I miss my childhood so much I makes me overwhelmingly sad. Sometimes it's all I can think of.
34. I get talked over a lot, but I have one friend that makes an effort to stop and listen and one friend that isn't making an effort, but just does it instinctively.
35. My friend, Brandon, probably understands my moods more than anyone and he understands my scatterbrainedness too.
36. I don't have the slightest trouble going to a movie or eating at a restaurant by myself. But I don't mind people either, in case you wanted to ask me on a date:)
37. Indecision makes me nervous.
38. My feet and hands are always cold.
39. I have trouble realizing my parents are people too. I always tell them of my day and my thoughts but I never think they have a day too. I guess I think they really want to know about me because they are related to me, but I bet they just see me as anyone else and wish I would ask them about their day.
40. I don't ever know what to get my mom for Christmas.
41. This number will always mean something to me.
42. I could watch back to back movies all day long. I love the movies.
43. I think nature is so beautiful and seeing it puts an ache in my heart.
44. I cry more when something is moving than sad. But most breakdown cries are because I'm tired and stressed.
45. I find a real joy and belongingness at summer camps.
46. I'm always unsure what to say when people ask how's your mom or how's your dad. Surely they don't really want to know and even if they did, I probably wouldn't tell them because we're that kind of family, so I always say "They're just fine. They travel a lot with their work, but they like it a lot."
47. I have a fetish for school supplies and Christmas decorations.
48. I check the mail everyday hoping for a letter or something for me. I get really bummed when the mail is already taken in.
49. I wish I had better teeth.
50. I really liked my first car and I was really sad to part with it.
51. I always seem to be the person the lightbulb goes out on.
52. I can't ever keep my room clear of clothes. They are not even necessarily dirty clothes, they're just clothes I get out and don't wear and they end up on the floor. My room most of time looks like a sea of clothes.
53. I threw up at Las Palmas once. I had a really bad headache.
54. I have lost my favorite blue sweat shirt I got at a thrift store that said something about France on it. I loved that sweat shirt. If you have it, please return it.
55. I have always wanted a pet skunk. They are said to be quite lovable.
56. I do not like mint chocolate. I had too much of it at once and now I can't stand it.
57. I have dreams that I can remember every night.
58. I have more bad yearbook pictures than good.
59. I enjoy inflatable obstacle courses. I really like obstacle courses in general. I use to make them when I was a kid for Cortney and I to run through. However, Cortney never did them.
60. I think people are more alike than we think we are.
61. The first time I watched Star Wars I didn't know it was such a big deal. I found it in the tape pile at my babysitter's house and thought it was just a random movie. It wasn't till later when I saw it with my family I even knew it was something big. Same thing with Ferris Buler's Day Off.
62. Ernest Scared Stupid was the scariest movie. I not only had nightmares but was petrified for weeks.
63. I use to pretend I had no fear when pulling some of the youthlike stunts with my cousin, Chad, but really the whole time I was scared out of my wits. But I did it anyway and it taught me to not be so scared.
64. I wanna dance with somebody.
65. I could have been a great sound engineer, but I don't think I would have liked it.
66. I whistle alot even though I'm not good at it.
67. I have frequent headaches.
68. I can wiggle my ears.
69. I am a fast video game learner. I like them alot.
70. I don't like dusting. The main pain about it is moving all the stuff off the counter and then dusting and then putting it all back.
71. I use to be at the fore front of the music movement. I prided myself on finding unknown bands and cool music. However, I have slipped and now I am recovering and climbing back up the musical hill.
72. I wish I was a good singer so I could be in musicals.
73. The silence the snow fall brings is special to me.
74. I like ink pens, but not ball point pens.
75. I like making list (obviously), but not as much as scratching them off.
76. I like to talk about psychology, not so much the disorders but more about people's motives for making certain desicions.
77. Shots make me really, really, really queezy. Not so much the pain, but the knowledge that something just went into my veins.
78. I hate to see children be disrespectful to adults. When I see it happen, it makes me so embarrassed for the adult.
79. I was involved in a "Haunted Field" once. All the kids at our babysitters made one up in the field behind the babysitter's house. My role was to jump out of a pile of leaves.
80. I am an excellent rollerblader and a pretty competant ice skater.
81. I can still remember my perfect nap ever.
82. My family and I always watch White Christmas while putting up the Christmas Tree.
83. I hate when people have carpet outside their bath/shower. Stepping onto carpet after the shower is so nasty to me.
84. I love a good history lesson.
85. My favorite desert is chocolate chip cookies.
86. If no one would think it's weird, I woud wear baseball t-shirts all the time.
87. I'm a sucker for a lost dog. I have to follow it and make sure it knows where it's going, or get out, find it's tag and return it.
88. I hate seeing animals ran over, but I especially hate seeing a roadkill raccoon, seeing that it's the Tennessee Stage Animal and all.
89. When I go for long periods of time without seeing my sister, I miss her a whole, whole lot, same with my dad.
90. It took me a long time to get on the flip-flop bandwagon. But I'm so glad I did.
91. I have had the same kind of tennis shoes since I was a Sophomore in high school. Grey Newbalnces. Even when one pair wears out, I will go out and buy the same exact shoes to replace them.
92. I think there is something in my blood that attracts ticks. I get SO many ticks.
93. I hate snakes. I hate snakes. IIIII HATE snakes!
94. Road trips anywhere make me really happy and feel really alive.
95. My favorite number is 18.
96. I have had the same CD case since sixth grade.
97. I do not like seafood. (save popcorn shrimp, but that's not really a seafood lover's dish.)
98. I think 3-D movies are so much fun.
99. I do not like plain M&M's but I could eat Peanut M&M's all day long.
100. This list is subject to change.

Why This?

This is my first time ever blogging. I might be late on the bandwagon, but who says late bandwagoners are any less important to the movement? I am basically trying to figure out how this works and the in's and out's and such. So, probably nothing interesting will come of this first post. I am not even sure what my blog will be about; although I guess it doesn't have to be about anything. It will definitely not be a journal because I won't up date it too much, but I think it can be a sort of creative release. I have all these thoughts and I get anxious if I don't express them in someway. I'll get into a mood or a way of thinking and I have to get it out in order to understand it or let it go or to expand it. That use to mean painting, making some sort of craft, playing guitar, running, but lately I have been interested in writing. So, I'm sure this will be a phase and I'll abandon it and move on to the next thing, but, for now, let the phase begin.