At Their Worst Conversation

Pre-Script: "Do I contradict myself? Then I contradict myself." I'm not real sure this thought is totally fleshed out, but it was just a conversation idea that got rolling. So - take each paragraph for what it is and says and it might not flow too well with the next, but, hopefully, you'll get the picture.

I wonder when are people at their worst? What does it look like for different people? Where are they at their worst? Is it a home, work, school? Only with certain people? Only when certain things happen? When are you at your worse, and what makes you that way, and are you okay being your worse in front of people or do you let it go behind closed doors?

I think there are a lot of ways to be at your worst. For instance, I am certainly at my food worst right now as I sit here on the bed and have proceeded to eat almost an entire pan of rice krispie treats (non-fat "I can't believe it's not butter" and natural peanut butter of course, but . . .) I feel like I just gave up and said, "Fat, take me now!" But it's not like I'm in a bad mood or anything, which would be another form of my worst. When I'm in my worst mood, I usually hold it in until I'm by myself. I'll mope around, spend time by myself, read and watch things that make me even more depressed. **Speaking of, I have read two really disappointing books in a row. I love them and hate them at the same time. But that's for a different blog.** But usually, around people I try and watch my attitude and perspective.

NOW - the real conversation that sparked this rather unusual and not fully explored topic is this: At the Red Lobster the other day, my friend (okay, we all know it's Anna) was wondering why she didn't like cucumbers but she liked pickles so much. I simply stated it was because pickles are cucumbers at their worst and we all tend to like the food that is worst for us. That got us on the topic of food at its worst. For instance, I'd say M&M's are peanuts at the worst, ketchup is a tomato at its worst - fried apple pie from the McD's would have to be an apple at its worst - chicken that has been fried and served with walffles and syrup would have to be chicken at its worst - to take the pickle even further, I'd say it's at its worst when it's "hot" and weighing in at about a pound and a half, stuffed into a bag complete with juice, and served at the movies. I mean, you might as well just suck on a salt shaker. And the list can go on from there. So, we see all these things at their worst, but we still accept them and still treat it as everyday life until we make the choice not to.

It's a constant battle not to be or accept your worst. As a teacher, I can't accept student's worst effort, I want the best. As a child, my parents didn't accept my behavior when it was at its worst. They expected the best, and if I showed them the worst, I'd get the worst. So, there are some things we don't accept the worst in: food, grades, work ethic, children's behavior. But, let's flip the coin. What do we accept?

If I sit down with my friend at dinner and see what they order is the worst for them and making them unhealthy, is that acceptable? Because if I sat down with my friend at dinner and their mood was at its worst that would not be acceptable because it makes me uncomfortable. If a celebrity or political leader I like is at their worst, do I say "Well, what do you expect? They have had such difficult circumstances and pressure," but, it's unacceptable for the homeless guy to be rude? So, which "worst" can we live with and get by with and which do we need to battle?

The last quesiton I have is do we accept the worst as a natural part of life that everyone feels, everyone goes through, or do we have to constantly beat it down and say it's not right to be at our worst? I know it's not socially correct to be at your worst in public, but if everyone does it, feels it and thinks it, is it fair to go along and pretend it isn't there? And how dare we judge others at their worst and expect their pity at seeing ours?

The Answers are Getting Harder Conversation

"The answers are getting harder. If an answer comes to those who pray, comes to those who pray." - Stand by Blues Traveler.
I have listened to that song who knows how many times and finally that tiny little phrase, out of the millions of songs I know, came to my mind and now means something to me. The answers. THE answer. Who's got it and when do I get it? Do I even believe there is an answer? Do I care what it is? I normally don't think about the future. I care nothing for the adult world. Whilst growing up, I never pictured my life past 18. I actually, really, truly thought I would be dead by then. So I've looked at my life past 18 as a kind of bonus time. But obviously I was incorrect so my question is, "What's the purpose?" Or in other words, "What am I suppose to do with all this extra life?"

In church today, the speaker talked about surrendering. Now, quickly go through all the sermons you've heard on surrendering. That's exactly what I thought when she first started speaking. Yes, I know I must sacrifice and surrender my life and take up my cross and die to self and all that. However, I never even paused to think about what surrendering really is. It's what I was created for. Confused? Me too . . . let me look at my notes, maybe that will help. They read:

• Self sacrifice and surrendering leads to self discovery because it's who I am created to be.
• I will never know who I am created to be without surrendering to God because only He, who knows me better than I know myself, can put me where I need to be.
• If I try to do it on my own, I will fail because it's my way and I don't have that kind of strength or mind.
• My destiny depends on my surrendering.
• The answers I'm looking for may never come.
• Don't seek the answers, seek God for there the answers are hidden.
• What's asked of me? Not - Why it's asked of me.

The speaker spoke of Mary and how the angel came to her and informed her about the task God has sent her. Mary didn't ask why, didn't need to know details, and didn't have any questions answered. She only said "Let it be unto me as you say." AND THAT'S IT?!? She just surrendered, just like that. Not even a glint of doubt or skipped heartbeat, just "Okay, sure." Now, don't get me wrong, I'm sure it was amazing and terrifying and weird and stressful, but she just said "Yeah." If it was me, I would ask how does it happen, what will happen to me, what's the next step, who do I talk to about this? Some question that could have an answer to help me along, but Mary didn't. She accepted the task (the honor), surrendered her reputation, her life and her body to God and he took care of it. She didn't seek after the answers, but just surrendered and what a remarkable life.

Right now, I'm dealing with a little answer and a big answer. Obviously the big answer I've already stated - "Why are we here? What am I suppose to do?" I think I'm on my way to discovering who I was created to be - once I get out of my way, surrender and let God move me into position. That will take a while, but hopefully I will learn how to trust. The little answer I'm seeking is a job. I started applying and things have gone all wrong in the process. I feel like I don't know what I'm doing. Obstacles from technical to irresponsible to ignorant and all the things in between have come up. I can never seem to get on track or something goes wrong on one end or the other. It's been rather frustrating. But I think I know why. I've been trying to do it all myself. I've been stressed about getting hired. I always have this gut feeling something will go wrong because trouble is waiting for me at every turn with this. I need to stop asking, "who's going to hire me, where do I go, what happens when I get there?" I need to trust that if I follow through with my end, God will take the rest. All I have to do is say "yes" and do what I know to do and surrender the rest of the questions to God. Never once during this process have I thought, "I'll do all I can, but, God, put me where you want me." I haven't allowed Him to take control, I haven't trusted He knows where I should go and I haven't surrendered to let Him carve the path.

Surrendering is a lot harder than to do it yourself. You feel like you loose control because you do. I'm not saying "Be lazy and things will come to you," but there comes a time when you have to let God guide you towards what you're called to do and who you are created to be and that can only come from you surrendering. If I let Him, He'll put me in a place where I can discover who I am, but first I must surrender. I cannot discover who I am, why I'm here and what I should do without surrendering. So, Blues Traveler got it right: "The answers are harder if an answer comes to those who pray" because if you're just looking for an answer, you're probably doing it all yourself and will get whatever answer you substitute into your life. But we don't seek the answer, we may never get the answer, we seek God and He reveals so much more than just the answer, He reveals Himself and who we are created to be. I may never know why He puts me where He will, but I will know the answer to why I am here, which is to be who He created me to me. "Your destiny depends on your surrender."

Oh, man, I hope this makes sense. I still have some questions of my own regarding what I mean. I guess I'll just have to clarify through experience.

The Name Conversation

Do you ever wonder how much went into your name? Number one, who came up with it? If you have a name like mine, someone else had it first, but who was the first one to have it? Who was the one to make up the name? Perhaps you have a name like . . . Art or Skip; a name that is an actual thing. Who said it's alright to have a name that is an object or action? I wonder if someone has a name that means absolutely nothing. My name came in the form of a suggestion from Lou Huges to my mother. My middle name, Nicole, is the female version of my Dad's best man's name, Nick. My last name . . . . well, who knows. I am one of the many Smiths in America, so it's kind of hard to trace the name back. Actually, I'm not even a Smith; I'm a Perry. My grandfather on my Dad's side, Pa, was born Jullian Ray Perry. His parents got divorced and the man his mother re-married was named Smith, so my Pa took on his last name. I didn't even know until two years or so ago. Weird, uh? I guess it doesn't matter. But I do know one thing - I am it for the Smiths. I am the last in line. The name dies with me. The man my great grandmother married did not have any kids, but adopted my Pa. My Pa had four girls and one boy. My Dad only had two girls, so that's it for the Smiths. Talk about the pressure. However, I am glad I don't live in a time when your name is all you had; what the public knew you by; the standard you were held to. That would be real pressure.

My friend told me about a blog entry she saw once about names and I thought it might be fun. It's a favorite name blog. Now, everyone has their favorite names, perhaps it's your name, perhaps you have names picked out for your future kids or perhaps (and the ones I find most interesting of all) you have found names in books, movies, t.v. shows, authors, actors, singers, anyone of cultural significance or just your friends that you would consider putting on this list we are about to make. (I say we, but pretty much, I can anticipate only my list going up, which is okay.) It's a list of the coolest, most bizarre, odd sounding, pleasant sounding, nostalgic bringing, interesting, cool names. So, I'm going to start my list (I might add to it later) and you can post the same. Also, I would be interested in how your name came about, or what it means, or even a past family history secret will come out! Here we go:

Willy Wonka, Charlie Bucket, Veruca Salt, Augustus Glump (Charlie and the Chocolate Factory)
Yo Yo Ma

Argus Filch, Mad Eye Moody, Severus Snape, Darco Malfoy, Petunia Dursley, Sirius Black, Bellatrix Lastrange, Dobby, Xeno Lovegood, Albus Dumbledore (Harry Potter)

Kermit (the Frog)

Chuck E. Cheese

Marty McFly (Back to the Future)

Miss Havisham (Great Expectations)

Rizzo (Grease)

Mercutio (Romeo and Juliet)

Merlin
George Bailey (It's a Wonderful Life)

Ebenezer Scrooge (A Christmas Carol)

Forrest Gump

Ma Rainey (Jazz Singer)

Penny Lane

Prince Humperdink

Puck (Midsummer's Night Dream)

Winnie the Pooh (just because someone but "Pooh" in a name)

Debbie Schriener (My Good Friend)

Ethan Hawk
Ringo Starr

Wilma Flintstone

Miss Frizzle (Magic School Bus)

Benjamin Linus, Mr. Echo (LOST)

Topanga Lawrence (Boy Meets World)

Oliver Twist

Mufasa (The Lion King)

Holden Caulfield (Catcher in the Rye)

Noah (The Holy Bible)

Darth Vader (Star Wars)

Optimus Prime (Transformers)

Tweedledum and Tweedledee (Through the Looking Glass)

Lynn Jasperson

Oscar Wilder

Ray Lamontagne

Dolly Parton

Buzz Lightyear (Toy Story)

Dracula

Tennessee Williams

Inspector Gadget
Huckleberry

Where's your list???

The Revive the E-mail to it's Former Glory Conversation

Remember "You've Got Mail?" (Now go back and read that again and, please, do the proper voice in your head.) American On Line. Who uses that anymore? I'm sure someone, but I don't know anybody that signs on to AOL 2.0 on the regular and gets to hear those precious words. I think those words were so special because it was the dawning of the internet for me and several of my friends and we were the target age that ate it up. It was so exciting, in fact, that you felt important to even be getting Forwarded messages because it meant someone knew your personal e-mail address. So universal was the feeling you got when you heard these words that Hollywood, Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks deemed it Romantic Comedy Hit worthy.

I admit, I was late jumping on the internet bandwagon. (I seem to get on bandwagons way too late. I hold out for no reason and then suddenly join up and realize it's not that bad . . . Flip Flops, not that bad.) But there was something about AOL - made you feel important, I'd say elite. Don't even speak to me about "hotmail." And a snailmail account? Don't make me laugh. The dreadful switch to Comcast probably ended a few of my relationships. More affordable internet? Who needs that?

Do you remember the one person who was your e-mail friend? The person you would spend hours and hours writing really, really long e-mails to really late at night? The one who got all your FWD: messages but only if they were funny enough. Or those people on your Buddies list you would IM till 3:00 in the morning? And please, never forget the people you sent those lovable animated e-cards to. Where are those friends? What a pure rush of joy you would feel if they were on-line at the same time. Do you remember the anticipation to see if "they wrote you back?" Remember when "LOL" use to really mean something? What happen? Did we all realize we were being way over passionate about the internet and no one really wanted all those e-mails and e-cards (admit it, you sent one or two) and therefore ended the relationship not only with the person but with the fun-loving internet as well? All the friends I have now, I didn't e-mail once during the dawning age of the internet. Where are you and why did the e-mails stop?

E-mails were so instrumental in expressing yourself then, especially as a new teenager. However, now pretty much all we use it for is business and reminders and to pass along only important information. I think we have all gotten too busy and too "efficient" to even send a personal e-mail. People will always talk about the death of "the letter." "No one writes letters anymore. Letters are more personal than e-mail." Well, e-mails can be pretty personal. Even if it's just a catching up thing or a thinking of you or a good job, e-mails can be "Save in Folder X" worthy.

SO, I challenge you to write an e-mail for the pure heck of it; perhaps to your one long forgotten e-mail buddy. Send an e-card, unearth the forever ago FWD message about "Happy Dysfunctional Day" or that one with the weird looking monkeys and the bananas . . . anybody? See what people do if you just randomly ask how they're doing and give them a brief update (brief, people, brief update.) And always remember to ask them a question about their life too . . . .it's only polite. But seriously, folks, this week I will look into getting back to writing a random, funny, geez it's great to get to tell you about my boring day e-mail. I encourage you to do the same.

Other Nostalgia Inducing Remembrances:
Hearing the door opening effect when your buddies got on-line. Calling your friend to get on-line and chat. High school typing class was only important for you to be more efficient at IM.

ANYBODY GOT MORE?

The Songs That Keep Conversations in My Head

Here are the songs I can't get out of my head these past few weeks. And if you have heard them before . . . follow the link below the title and watch my favorite perforamces of the song. Same for if you have not heard them.

Mary - Patty Griffin
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XOxpvKuEruk

Tiger Mountain Peasant - Fleet Foxes
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vu_3RS2rO78

Thinking of You - Katy Perry
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H4ihigvpUgc

Grey Room - Damien Rice (so much that I was going to write it twice.)http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=84h2_NBAZt0&feature=related

9 Crimes - Damien Rice
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HOn5Eudj5tI

Heartbeats - Jose Gonzalez
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s4_4abCWw-w

"Hooked on a Feeling" and "Jinggle Bells" are always in my head. I didn't notice it until lately, but there it is . . . ALWAYS. And for a brief, but thrilling while this morning, "Proud to be an American" rolled through my head and off my tounge. What song is playing in your head today? Or Always?

The Just Need to Talk Conversation

My very good friend, Brandon Palma, is my very good friend. I have been without him for some months now and it's wearing on me. He is doing an incredible job interning for the spring

semester of INVISIBLE CHILDREN. http://www.invisiblechildren.com/home.php

He has been working very, very hard for a great cause and purpose. He has even shattered some Invisible Children records while he has been there. I think he has learned a lot and grown so much more than I am able to tell right now. I just miss him being here. It's only for a few months, but it feels like so much longer. Brandon and I have gone to two events together every year since we were old enough. The Youth Drama Retreat (7th-12th grades) and J.A.M. Kamp (4th-6th grades.) We participated every year as campers and have gone on to be leaders at these events (he is now 23 and I am 22.) Since he's been gone, he has missed our Youth Drama Retreat and he will be gone for or Talent Showcase. He will miss my birthday, Easter, and he will be gone right up until J.A.M Kamp. This is making me miss him more than ever because these are all big events in our lives every year and he is such an important part of them all. This is the spring without him and it's so weird and feels so wrong. I am glad he is doing this intership, I am. I just miss him. Brandon has such a big heart and I am glad he gets to spread it around! I hope the people that are with him now know how lucky they are!

Brandon and I have a very simple/complex friendship. Simple when it needs to be, when it's easy, and complicated like any other life-long friendship is inevitably. Brandon is the friend I can share any kind of feeling with - simple or complex. It can be the feeling of the weather, the feeling of a movie, song, moment, conversation, impending doom situation or just a ridiculous or funny situation. I can be a cryer with Brandon, I can be vulnerable, I can be a girl, I can be quiet, I can be sad, I can be simply happy, I can be fun, I can be stressed, I can be tired, I can be scatterbrained, I can be a singer, I can be a musician, I can be a peacemaker, I can be a person who rants and I can be a better person. I say all these things not to describe who I am, but to describe moments of our friendship. Every single one of these things "I can be" have significant meaning to me and Brandon because they trigger certain memories that have happen between us in these past years of friendship.

Now, honestly, Brandon can get on my last nerve. We have had misunderstandings, we have had fights, we have had heated discussions, but after each fight we have, there is always a clearing we come to where we are still friends at the end of the bumpy road. How many friends do you have that are actually, really, intently there for you every time, always, no matter what? When you are around someone for so long, you take them for granted and for short periods of time every little thing they do you can come to criticize. However, in these past couple of months, I have seen how I tend to take his friendship for granted. Sure he's just a phone call away, but there is something about sitting in the coffee shop with your friend and talking face to face when you need to talk through something. That is just the converstaion that inspired this blog entry.

I had something pressing on me and I had talked to many people about it, but I didn't feel settled about the subject. Then I randomly texted Brandon something really funny about someone, but unrepeatable for the weak stomached reader. That text told Brandon of my awkward situation and he was having a "bust" day as well. Although funny, this conversation reminded us when we are having an awkward or bad day, we just need to talk to our friends about it and get it off our chest. So he called me and we talked for 30 minutes about what was going on in his world and I got to talk about my pressing matter. Brandon was just the person I needed to talk to. I feel more settled about the situation and I know Brandon knows I can do it and will be great at it. If you have your friends behind you, you can go ahead. I was going to say, "If you have your friends behind you, you can't fail." That's not true though. I might fail, I might regret the decision, I might be in over my head, but it's okay because Brandon, and a handful of my close friends, will still be there no matter how simple or complex the journey may be and that means the world to me.

BRANDON - Good luck, Pal! You know I love you more than my luggage. Remember the same last few sentences go for you too! Do good. Be Brave. ABC FO' LIFE.

http://www.invisiblechildren.com/home.php

Katy Perry is The Truth Conversation

A text message conversation went as follows:

"Just wanted you to know - 'You're an Indian summer in the middle of winter.'"

"Oh man she is not playing."

"My goodness not at all. This song played all those heart strings and slammed on the emotion button. That music video! They don't call me Weepy for nothing."

"Oh man. Alanis the Second, welcome to my life. Youtube her live on Kimmel. I wept."

"That is exactly who I thought it was at first and what a league to be in! I will watch it A.S.A.P."

Now, I know what you're thinking: My friend and I are excellent text messengers with no weird, confusing mumbo-jumbo abbreviations and you appreciate that. However, I need you to focus (but thanks and don't try to text me anything fancy because I wont get it.) I would like to discuss the reason for this intense text message. This song, Thinking of You by Katy Perry, has opened my eyes to a great newish artist.

Now, when I heard her first hit single, "I Kissed a Girl," I was not impressed. Catchy? Energetic? Radio Playable? Yes. For me? No. Then, whilst doing the everyday grind driving, over the radio comes this voice with strange emphasis, stabbing lyrics and a really rocking band. Alanis? No, there is something . . . . different. Who is this? I listen to the rest of the song knowing for sure the announcer will tell me who this is and, of course, the D.J. just pushes along to the next song. GAH! I need the i-Phone Shazam application that listens to the music and tells you the artist and title. But, alas, here I am and another great song, that I tell myself to keep remembering so I can type in the lyrics to Google but always forget, has passed.

Fast forward to a few days ago. I awake to VH-1. I must have fallen asleep to some mind-numbing, yet compelling reality love show. This is a strange occurrence because the staple TV channel to fall asleep to is, of course, Nick-at-Night (I do miss the days of Mary Taylor Moore, Taxi, Dragnet and Alfred Hitchcock.) Playing on VH-1 is this song I have heard before by a girl I recognize. I watch the heart aching video and at the end I am finally given the vital information I need. This song and video struck a chord with me (no pun intended.) I get on my computer, I so conveniently download it from i-Tunes and add it to my playlist. I strongly suggest you do the same and tell the world.

I would like to thank Anna Watkins for winning tickets on the radio for us to go to the concert! How the stars aline.

P.S.
I'd like to thank Katy Perry, Alanis Morissette, Jimmy Kimmel, Google, i-Phone, Shazam, VH-1, Nick-at-Night and i-Tunes for sponsoring this message. I'd do a great product placement show.